renew.

To Live Again.
To live again is what? To restart? Perhaps I should restart, or should I start anew? Start from the beginning? What beginning and to what end? What defines the seasons of our lives if not the starts and the stops. I've stopped this blog before. It's been years, but it feels like moments. It feels that way because what I've done is pause my life. I don't know all of the reasons why, but I do know that I was scared to live a full life. Scared to fail and scared to succeed. I was God's in the time paused, but I guess I let my own fears creep over the foundation of my life. I knew that I was saved by the blood; but I forgot that blood is not static, it's a pulsing dynamic thing existing in who I am, and lately... lately I've been willing to let that out. There is much that I do not know, and I'm finally old enough to admit that, so here once more are my thoughts, my ramblings, my heart. I will not restart, I will not start anew, I will renew - I love my journey, I love what has weaved together to make my life what it is at this exact moment, because I couldn't have done it. He is the beginning and the end. He is my beginning and my end.The 'bits and pieces' and the inbetween they're me, but they're me with Him. So hello again. Hello to not just being anymore, but to trying also.

"Because the Sovereign Lord hooks me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore have I set my face like flint and I know I will not be put to shame" - Isaiah 50:7

3000.

So - it may seem as though I decided to drop off the face of the planet... still here :D Lots of things, but for another time. I was thinking about my walk this morning - well many mornings - but today, today I specifically got stuck on time. See, I looked at a phone app I have - and I looked at the day I gave my heart to the Lord and found out that this is my 3000th day of walking with Him. I just kind of liked knowing that - seeing the whole picture. Looking back to my time of struggling against knowing Him - to the day I finally admitted I was His. I can't even describe my thankfulness - it's my whole being; I know exactly who I'd be without Him - who I never want to be ever again... but now... now I don't know - my future is firmly in His hands. See - I have a clear picture of who I'm to be in Him and I've been learning lately how to live fully in that... the 'more' I yearn for can only come from walking every step with faith and in obedience to Him. I mess up everyday... He knows it... but everyday brings new opportunities to put Him first. God has placed so many dreams in me - so many in the people perfectly placed and positioned around me - and they all intersect into His purposes - it seems as though they're coming to the surface everywhere. That's a cool thing... a complete God thing. 

I just wanted to share the joy I found today - see, the Christian walk isn't easy - it's the toughest thing you can do - you die to your flesh everyday - every single day you put yourself aside and instead live for Jesus. It's amazing. It's worth all.  For Him we give up us; then - He hands us so much more - His plan for these crazy Christians that were thought up, created, sinned, sacrificed for and saved - all to know and live for Him. I've had difficult days in those 3000 saved... through genuine situations, but mostly through the fault of my own - through the wants and desires I didn't put aside, through disobedience, and through lack of faith. I've had amazing days too - I've felt joy, felt Him work and change in me, I've seen amazing things happen to those around me, met people that are amazing through Him, seen miracles, but mostly - I've lived. I've lived those days with Him beside me - better than anything ever. I can't describe what giving my heart to Him was like. I was suddenly embraced by this God that created me. I knew I was doing exactly what I'd been created to do. In that moment I just wanted to always be His. The rest of my walk - the walk in Him - is about protecting that - protecting the fact that I need to be His... and that I need to put my flesh aside to do so. It's about seeking Him. Reading Him in the Word. Dwelling in His Presence. Letting the Holy Spirit that was in Christ Jesus also be in us. But mostly - it's like the Bible says - it's about loving Him out. Being mature enough to walk out all we know of Him. I want to be for Him always. I want to be for Him in me. I want to be for Him in everyone around me. I more than want it - I desire it - I need it - need to live Him out! That is something joyful - and that's something that's for you too! 

John 3:16

"For God loved the world in this way: He gave His One and Only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His Son into the world, but that the world might be saved through Him."

The yo-yo affect

Its been quite awhile since I've written. I hate when that happens because then I just lose focus - I lose mapping out what God has done, is doing, and will do. I lose part of my walk with Him - part of how I dwell in Him. Part of studying; of seeing His order through fractals. Fall changes that though - I know it's a season of things dying, but it breathes life into to me. It's like the 20 odd years of adjusting to the school system kick back in - bringing me into 'teach and change me' mode. I love it. The definition of Christian to me is dying daily, so I won't play catch-up in the neverending changes that've happened - I'll be them instead and talk about what is happening.

I've been dealing with junk again. The dross that comes to the surface when it's time to deal with it. Its a continual thing, part of His plan, but there are seasons when its more evident. When it's a deeper rooting out. The past few weeks have been like that. The phrase 'I'm at the end of my rope' kept looping in my head yesterday. I had gotten to the end of many ropes in this changing season. Now my questions had narrowed to one: where do I go from here?

I pictured it as a yo-yo. All these ropes were strings and chains and just plain bondages - and were attached to me... I was the puppet on a string. Option unhelpful: roll back up. See that surfacely looks best - it looks like you bounced back... like you're where you always were. You're not though because you've willingly - lets use stronger words - willfully chosen to be bound. You've rolled yourself over and over right up into a trap.

You know about the issue - you can step into control - you can keep it under wraps - you can swallow it down. It's still there though. There are always cracks in the surface - glimpses of what's really happening - of the pain and the troubles. Things we don't want to acknowledge - the junk that is a virus that spreads out when we don't deal.

I don't want that uncontainable junk in me - I want an uncontainable God flow instead. Choosing to not deal is throwing aside your second choice: God. It denies His role in our lives. It dishonours Him. God brings up issues in us in the right time - when they're supposed to be dealt with. When you get to the end of a rope it's about letting go - asking Him to cut us off from the junk that holds us back from being all that we are called to be in Him.

Living for God is messy, but it's our mess - its our junk coming to the surface and giving way to His order. We have to determine to live in Him - by His word and His will. I want faith - I want my actions to be for Him - to be alive in Him, not dead. Dead to myself and to my junk, but alive in this my God who's my all. I don't want a yo-yo to define my life; I want His plumbline to. I want His Word to be a level in my life - I want Him to be the weight in the decisions I make, so that they'll be His.

Amos 7:7-8
'Thus he shewed me: and, behold, the Lord stood upon a wall made by a plumbline, with a plumbline in his hand. And the Lord said unto me, Amos, what seest thou? And I said, A plumbline. Then said the Lord,
Behold, I will set a plumbline in the midst of my people Israel:
I will not again pass by them any more'

Galatians 2:20-21
'My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who lives, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, Who loved me and gave Himself for me. I do not treat the grace of God as meaningless. For if keeping the law could make us right with God, then there was no need for Christ to die.'

--> I can't keep myself in check without Christ. Every plan or dream that I could live out would be nothing if it was separate from His purposes. They would be dust... I would be dust. He's my living God and I thrist for Him.

Galatians 3:3
'Are ye so foolish? having begun in the Spirit, are ye now made perfect by the flesh?'

--> The control in 'bouncing back' - definitely worth avoiding - I don't want to live outside of the Holy Spirit. I don't want to try, and ultimately fail, to meet my own expectations when I'm to be living His.

Still learning, but for now I'll leave you... so that I'll be refreshed for services tomorrow.

Life-giving.

Psalm 56:12-13
"I will fulfill my vows to you, O God, and will offer a sacrifice of thanks for your help. For you have rescued me from death; You have kept my feet from slipping. So now I can walk in your presence, O God, in your life-giving light."

8th Niece or Nephew

On March 1st of this year I was told an amazing thing - my sister Sarah and my now new brother Jeff were going to have a baby!!! I've been counting down ever since - today's t-145 - I'm so excited for them... and to meet their little. Yesterday she had her ultrasound and found out that it's a baby boy! I already love him muchly. I love that she could text the picture to us. I love that I can get a glimpse of him whenever I pick up my phone. I love that he'll be my fourth nephew. I love when Sarah sends me updates! I can't wait to meet him!!! Until I can though - I'll just check on his cute status by looking at these:

This Year.

238 days left. Sunday services left me hit pretty hard. See - God gave me two things. The first was a remembrance of this year - that it was a call to walk in Kingdom Authority. I spent time in prayer on the 31st - I blogged about it and it was confirmed in the service. I knew it. I didn't protect it though. Within days I started getting hurt - letting that call get undermined. Months. So many things. See - I felt so lost - like I couldn't get ground in any area. Truthfully I couldn't - I can't get anywhere without God. So I stayed stuck. Service was about hope. I've been walking out of some different things lately and I went into Sunday better than I've been in awhile. Steadier in Him. During praise and worship God told me some things... cemented them really. He told me that we were a third of the way through the year - that things could change - that I could refocus onto Him... that I hadn't lost all. I pulled out my calculator right away (total dork moment - at least it was on my phone :P) - and I looked at my countdown. I countdown a lot. It makes things feel closer to me, but this time it made things farther... it gave me time as it is... a moment of knowing His order. This year of mine - it will still be His.

The other thing that pretty much floored me were the words 'base' and 'zero'; I was trying to figure out what that meant and I got stuck - He said the connections in my life would go to that. I'm only familiar with it being a 'Hunger Games' reference - when people to made to look like they would with no imperfections and also no enhancements. That it's a type of balance. I looked it up too - it came out as a budgeting issue [www.merriam-webster.com/.../zero-based
Definition of ZERO-BASED: having each item justified on the basis of cost or need] - it's about balance too. The thing is I have pictures of people in my head. Pictures of the people in my life - of where they're to be in God; but it's difficult because I know them - and emotionally I just want them there now. It becomes hard to see the history in people and see them struggle in the present... to feel it. Instead, He wants me to drop my ties, so to speak, and yearn for His will. That's a tough one. It feels like giving up, even when it's really about lifting up and giving to God. My hands are not His and I want the best... I want them in His hands. That was such a release on and in me. I can't even describe it.

The other thing I've really faced lately is an unwillingness to deal with where I'm at and with where I want to be. I've woken up at 6:30 almost every single day - to do some thinking that I didn't let get done. The past week I've also been kept up by the fact that I should be writing and processing and growing. God has really been chasing me down - having to sneak in to meet me, instead having free reign. I've not let myself spend time thinking on Him. I've been praying and reading His Word, but doing those things without thinking isn't doing those things at all, because it's not a determined giving to God. I had basically struggled myself into an unworthy mess of a person - simply because that's where I go without Him... a complete idiotic scheme that takes you further from God and into more pain and then into even more unworthiness. These are the cycles that the services spoke about. I think it was the day before that got me first though - see, on Saturday I remembered; I got down to the big question I always get to (the one that everyone has - however different it may be). Saturday I chose His truth. There is much of this year left. There is much of me left for it. There is hope. But most importantly there is God... always. I don't know how to end so many words (especially because I'm so not putting the time into editing); With Him and His plans I guess... that's something I always need and want to always want... it's the cycle that I was made for - that we were all made for - Him.

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Bombs away... soon.

This weekend we've had visiting Pastors John and Caroline Wilkinson at our Church. It was neat to see how God's plans just line up - this morning's service was about what we've been receiving and seeking. It was about the tombstones we put up in our lives - how we create monuments to pain and how that holds us back from the freedom God wants us to walk in. That's what's been hitting hard at Third Day for quite awhile - moving past that pain. It's also what Katie Souza teaches on - soul wounds and just pains. We've been taught to bring them to God and to soak them in His Light. In that way - we've been turning them over to God. That was what was so awesome about this morning - Pastor Wilkinson was talking about focusing on God landmarks instead of painful tombstones. Same approach - looking at God's work in our lives, instead of dwelling on the works (or pains) found in the world. Healing. I really liked his analogy - one about people being so willing to bring flowers to the tombstones in our lives - about dwelling in pain, instead of honoring His works and the times we've given to Him. It's such a choice - and it's so easy to stay in pain - to be trapped by it and get used to it. But for God. I love hearing people's testimonies - to hear about how them came to God and what He brought them out of - to see the change in them - the God gap between then and now. I love listening to people being themselves - being exactly who God has made them to be. I know that God's love and power is demonstrated in the words we tell of Him... they change everything. Telling the truth of God and sharing how the Bible has come alive in our hearts and in our lives is living our faith. Share pain, but share that you've moved past in through Him. Can you even describe how God glorious it is to share a landmark moment from a place where a tombstone used to be? Isn't that every salvation story ever? The pain of a life without Him rooted out and filled instead by His love encounter! Now we just have to be on guard and root out the weeds and tombstones that are revealed by the Holy Spirit in us. Proverbs 4:23. Root things out and protect what He puts in. Then what are we? Healed. Whole. I don't want to be walled away from Him... to have a hardened heart that won't repent or change. I want those landmark places of Him everywhere. They are an encouragement - they push for evergrowth - which is the Christian life we're called to live.

Tonight's service was great also. I had a vision during praise and worship. It was of a bomb inside of me - not a bad one, but a deposit of promises and just of God's works in me. Then it exploded. I can't really describe it - it wasn't violent, but it was full of fire and of ice. Light went everywhere and I fell to pieces - like in a fairytale - puzzle pieces everywhere. Then the light put the pieces back together. Almost instantaneously. It took like a millisecond for the whole thing to occur. Then, the put back together me looked down - there were so many pieces left - ones I didn't need and ones I wasn't supposed to have. It was like a restoration of promises and gifts - ones that I could move forward in - free from the trappings and snares that stopped me in the past. There were two words in the vision: activate and explode. Pastor Francis and Pastor Wilkinson mentioned them both within the 10 minute period following. I almost fell down... and was crying like a baby.

It felt so painful - I think because its timing wasn't now. The past two visions I've had are for a time that is coming and that's just not here... yet. I'm believing. I've been praying about it -making sure that I'm not holding back from God. I have a tendency to pause longer than I should, being just as disobedient as those who jump ahead of God's plans. I was distraught - I don't want to hold back that way. As we got further in the service though I was able to release that - felt it physically lifting off of me. I always forget that God knows me; He has often prepared me for the changes in my life. He knows I freeze up or shut down - but when He lets me know the little bits, I move in Him and for Him quicker. It means a big hit is coming. Soon. A necessary one - a season changing one. I'm excited and terrified. Equally. That now command from earlier and the bomb hit from tonight will happen and I'll know why... because it has to for the sake of change in Him. Growing in Him is tough - but knowing that I'm growing in Him helps... knowing that I'm going to be released into a future that He has created me for more than helps... knowing that He purposefully created me and knows me and still loves me saves me - daily. I'm just excited to be pushed further into who I'm meant to be in God.

The rest of the service was a push. They prayed for everybody in both of today's services - that's so much effort - - so much of a God push - one that I've so often seen in our own Pastors. Prayer time: Pushing for changes in ourselves by pulling on and giving to God. Pushing for others. Pushing for the Pastors and the leaders that are pushing for us. Pushing for the nation. Pushing for the lost. Working in God. Church. Th-th-that's it, folks ;)