Dross.

Well, hello my friends. Its been such a long long time... hahaha... song stuck in your head. I thought it was about time to write a post, especially after the somewhat dramatic nature of my last one. It's tough saying what you need to say sometimes, oftentimes really. I needed to acknowledge where I had been, am now, and where I'm to be going in Him (where I've failed to go in the past).

It's been a tough season - I think the more you let God strip away, the tighter you hold on to what you have left. Also, if you're like me - then you may try to either protect or torpedo what you care about - so that it doesn't also get lost... as if He somehow can't differentiate the good from the bad... silly... stupid really. Another form of the 'protecting oneself' battle I have.

I've been a sleepless one the past few nights - been getting sick from a combo of things - it hit me pretty hard last night. My throat swelled up enough so that I didn't really feel like I could breathe (I obviously could, I'm not that sick - I even have a voice right now). I had a choice in it. I could've panicked - almost did - but I stopped - recognized that it would make things so much worse. I focused on breathing instead. On relaxing my throat and at getting past my dreaded hatred of all things blood. A moment of calm and a moment of clarity. Then this morning I started applying that to my God walk.

I'm in a different kind of a season - one that I don't really want to be in - one that I needed to be in and one that I need to be able to get out of. I'm a sticker, you see; A 'just stick it out'-er. I stay longer than I need to and longer than I should merely because I can survive things. It's not that I should do so; It's that moving forward requires risk and I am no risk taker. I'm a rule follower and a worrier.

Am I so obedient to myself and my worries that I can live a disobedient life before God? How can I pretend that worrying will add to my life when He says in His Word that it will not? I know the time to step up is coming. I can feel its timing rolling in. Will I let worry and fear take that timing, His timing, away? Or will I dwell in these verses that have comforted me today?

Isaiah 1:24-26
"Therefore the Lord says, The Lord of hosts, the Mighty One of Israel, 'Ah, I will rid myself of My adversaries, And take vengeance on My enemies. I will turn My hand against you, And thoroughly purge away your dross, And take away all your alloy. I will restore your judges as at the first, And your counselors as at the beginning. Afterwards you shall be called the city of righteousness, the faithful city."

--> His hand against me. Not in that scary I'm going to die right now way that I first read it. In the way that turns a situation around. In the fact that God is ridding us of what He hates. He will 'thoroughly purge away our dross'. Our dross. The dross that we hold onto and the alloy that we could build more upon. Dross. Junk. The world in us. The love God is a love that surpasses our junk -

He created us and sees us as we were meant to be. He loves us enough to require change - to push us into our destiny. He loves us enough to hate what He cannot be. He can't be anything but good, so that is what He desires of us. That we would choose Him over what may seem easy. To choose Him over that which would trap us and destroy us - to choose Him over everything else. We can become trapped in so many different things and situations; We can also be trapped in the way that I've been struggling - trapped in our very selves.

Those traps are the dross that need to be pulled from us. Those situations are tied to us - they're part of us that shouldn't be part of us. They can't co-exist with God. That's why this section of Isaiah hit me hard today - because it says 'thoroughly' and not partially. I know that the places in me that have wounds such as these do not have God in them... they couldn't exist in the same space as Him. He would burn them away - He will burn them away. They're coming up to the surface - dross always does - I looked it up - I get that - the only questions in the matter is how quickly will I bring the dross to Him. How quickly will I choose life and wholeness? Will I willingly go through death of self? Isn't that what a Christian does - chooses to live for Him as He died for us? How quickly will I reach for Him? How often? I hope always and forever. That's a long time to learn and a long time to get better at it; Sufficient in going to God. Sufficient just means adequate and enough. Just - I wrote it and it's how we say it. We use words so wrong today. Sufficient isn't settling... it isn't about being a 'stick it out'er - its about being whole. That's what this blog is all about - being whole in Him. So, here's to saying goodbye to more bits and pieces and giving way to Him instead.

Streams

I've been struggling more than a bit lately. I've been losing my place, myself really. It hit the hardest last week. I'm losing control. That really really bothers me. I've been so easily frustrated at work. I hate that. Wednesday was the worst for me. God woke me up at 6:38. I was wide awake. Wider than I've woken up in a long time. Then He said 'sometimes the dehydration in your story worries Me'. It worries me too. It hit hard. Really hard. I got angry. I went to work angry. I almost quit I was so frustrated. I went to Church angry. I came home angry. I lashed out about stupid things. I failed. Innumerable times. But what He said was so true. I'll always come back to the truth, it's too important for me, for who I've become in Him. I was dry drowning. There's no other way to describe it. I've been there before. It's not a place to stay. My sister was right though - every word that God has ever given me, every picture I see in my non-visual head, has been about hope. I know that they all overlay each other. That everything is fractal-like even in the smallest parts. Streams in the desert. That's what my sister brought up. Looking at those verses brought up so much more than that verse. I've dwelt in the Bible. I've read those verses. I've heard them. I've picked out ones around them. I've written about different singular verses. I've never seen them altogether though. I've never pulled back enough in Isaiah 38 to see the whole - never fractally viewed it - even though that's really how we're to read the Bible. I like the alignment found there. I like the breadth of the Word. I like the hope. I like the promises.

Yesterday's services were emotionally packed - mostly because it was about the push to get past emotions - to get to a Holy Spirit led place. In praise and worship God gave me a picture. It was a Chessboard, but not at all a Chessboard. It was a strategic map of my life, but there were only two pieces on it. Then He said 'all of the other players are gone' - I knew the freedom in that. I will not be controlled by anything else, anyone else - it was a confirmation of what I've felt the past few days - the responsibilities of my choices is mine. That's what I was losing myself in, the weight of that truth. That's why I was removed from even myself. I wasn't worth that level of interaction. I wasn't worth Him. That's so often what I hear for myself, but never for others. I've so often pushed myself in faith for others - its really the only time I've been able to step forth. That it was down to me and Him terrified me, but now I know why. I always forget that He's already in me. He's even given me tools to change myself - the Holy Spirit and the Word. The Church and the people around me. Foundations. Influences. Roots. It's not me against the world. It's Him and me. But only if I let Him win. That's a daily thing. That's a 'same old story' for me - it's about going from stubborn to steadfast, but somehow it's less scary now. I am His alone now, and I can place my trust in Him. I can love Him freely, perhaps more freely than I could have imagined. There is such a security in that. It is only in Him that such different views can combine, in truth. In a truth that confuses the world - confuses the worldly parts left in ourselves. In His truth that clears out what is really confusion. With His clarity. With His honesty. With His love.

The entirety of Isaiah 35:

"The wilderness and the solitary place shall be glad for them;
and the desert shall rejoice, and blossom as the rose.
It shall blossom abundantly, and rejoice
even with joy and singing:
the glory of Lebanon shall be given unto it,
the excellency of Carmel and Sharon,
they shall see the glory of the Lord,
and the excellency of our God.
Strengthen ye the weak hands,
and confirm the feeble knees.
Say to them that are of a fearful heart,
Be strong, fear not:
behold, your God will come with vengeance,
even God with a recompence;
he will come and save you.
Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened,
and the ears of the deaf shall be unstopped.
Then shall the lame man leap as an hart,
and the tongue of the dumb sing:
for in the wilderness shall waters break out,
and streams in the desert.
And the parched ground shall become a pool,
and the thirsty land springs of water:
in the habitation of dragons, where each lay,
shall be grass with reeds and rushes.
And an highway shall be there, and a way,
and it shall be called The way of holiness;
the unclean shall not pass over it; but it shall be for those:
the wayfaring men, though fools, shall not err therein.
No lion shall be there,
nor any ravenous beast shall go up thereon,
it shall not be found there;
but the redeemed shall walk there:
And the ransomed of the Lord shall return,
and come to Zion with songs
and everlasting joy upon their heads:
they shall obtain joy and gladness,
and sorrow and sighing shall flee away."

This helped me too. In seeing my season clearly, and in wanting to be led into a new one in this manner

Psalms 25:4-5
"Show me the right path, O Lord; point out the road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you."