Streams

I've been struggling more than a bit lately. I've been losing my place, myself really. It hit the hardest last week. I'm losing control. That really really bothers me. I've been so easily frustrated at work. I hate that. Wednesday was the worst for me. God woke me up at 6:38. I was wide awake. Wider than I've woken up in a long time. Then He said 'sometimes the dehydration in your story worries Me'. It worries me too. It hit hard. Really hard. I got angry. I went to work angry. I almost quit I was so frustrated. I went to Church angry. I came home angry. I lashed out about stupid things. I failed. Innumerable times. But what He said was so true. I'll always come back to the truth, it's too important for me, for who I've become in Him. I was dry drowning. There's no other way to describe it. I've been there before. It's not a place to stay. My sister was right though - every word that God has ever given me, every picture I see in my non-visual head, has been about hope. I know that they all overlay each other. That everything is fractal-like even in the smallest parts. Streams in the desert. That's what my sister brought up. Looking at those verses brought up so much more than that verse. I've dwelt in the Bible. I've read those verses. I've heard them. I've picked out ones around them. I've written about different singular verses. I've never seen them altogether though. I've never pulled back enough in Isaiah 38 to see the whole - never fractally viewed it - even though that's really how we're to read the Bible. I like the alignment found there. I like the breadth of the Word. I like the hope. I like the promises.

Yesterday's services were emotionally packed - mostly because it was about the push to get past emotions - to get to a Holy Spirit led place. In praise and worship God gave me a picture. It was a Chessboard, but not at all a Chessboard. It was a strategic map of my life, but there were only two pieces on it. Then He said 'all of the other players are gone' - I knew the freedom in that. I will not be controlled by anything else, anyone else - it was a confirmation of what I've felt the past few days - the responsibilities of my choices is mine. That's what I was losing myself in, the weight of that truth. That's why I was removed from even myself. I wasn't worth that level of interaction. I wasn't worth Him. That's so often what I hear for myself, but never for others. I've so often pushed myself in faith for others - its really the only time I've been able to step forth. That it was down to me and Him terrified me, but now I know why. I always forget that He's already in me. He's even given me tools to change myself - the Holy Spirit and the Word. The Church and the people around me. Foundations. Influences. Roots. It's not me against the world. It's Him and me. But only if I let Him win. That's a daily thing. That's a 'same old story' for me - it's about going from stubborn to steadfast, but somehow it's less scary now. I am His alone now, and I can place my trust in Him. I can love Him freely, perhaps more freely than I could have imagined. There is such a security in that. It is only in Him that such different views can combine, in truth. In a truth that confuses the world - confuses the worldly parts left in ourselves. In His truth that clears out what is really confusion. With His clarity. With His honesty. With His love.

The entirety of Isaiah 35:

"The wilderness and the solitary place shall be glad for them;
and the desert shall rejoice, and blossom as the rose.
It shall blossom abundantly, and rejoice
even with joy and singing:
the glory of Lebanon shall be given unto it,
the excellency of Carmel and Sharon,
they shall see the glory of the Lord,
and the excellency of our God.
Strengthen ye the weak hands,
and confirm the feeble knees.
Say to them that are of a fearful heart,
Be strong, fear not:
behold, your God will come with vengeance,
even God with a recompence;
he will come and save you.
Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened,
and the ears of the deaf shall be unstopped.
Then shall the lame man leap as an hart,
and the tongue of the dumb sing:
for in the wilderness shall waters break out,
and streams in the desert.
And the parched ground shall become a pool,
and the thirsty land springs of water:
in the habitation of dragons, where each lay,
shall be grass with reeds and rushes.
And an highway shall be there, and a way,
and it shall be called The way of holiness;
the unclean shall not pass over it; but it shall be for those:
the wayfaring men, though fools, shall not err therein.
No lion shall be there,
nor any ravenous beast shall go up thereon,
it shall not be found there;
but the redeemed shall walk there:
And the ransomed of the Lord shall return,
and come to Zion with songs
and everlasting joy upon their heads:
they shall obtain joy and gladness,
and sorrow and sighing shall flee away."

This helped me too. In seeing my season clearly, and in wanting to be led into a new one in this manner

Psalms 25:4-5
"Show me the right path, O Lord; point out the road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you."