This Year.

238 days left. Sunday services left me hit pretty hard. See - God gave me two things. The first was a remembrance of this year - that it was a call to walk in Kingdom Authority. I spent time in prayer on the 31st - I blogged about it and it was confirmed in the service. I knew it. I didn't protect it though. Within days I started getting hurt - letting that call get undermined. Months. So many things. See - I felt so lost - like I couldn't get ground in any area. Truthfully I couldn't - I can't get anywhere without God. So I stayed stuck. Service was about hope. I've been walking out of some different things lately and I went into Sunday better than I've been in awhile. Steadier in Him. During praise and worship God told me some things... cemented them really. He told me that we were a third of the way through the year - that things could change - that I could refocus onto Him... that I hadn't lost all. I pulled out my calculator right away (total dork moment - at least it was on my phone :P) - and I looked at my countdown. I countdown a lot. It makes things feel closer to me, but this time it made things farther... it gave me time as it is... a moment of knowing His order. This year of mine - it will still be His.

The other thing that pretty much floored me were the words 'base' and 'zero'; I was trying to figure out what that meant and I got stuck - He said the connections in my life would go to that. I'm only familiar with it being a 'Hunger Games' reference - when people to made to look like they would with no imperfections and also no enhancements. That it's a type of balance. I looked it up too - it came out as a budgeting issue [www.merriam-webster.com/.../zero-based
Definition of ZERO-BASED: having each item justified on the basis of cost or need] - it's about balance too. The thing is I have pictures of people in my head. Pictures of the people in my life - of where they're to be in God; but it's difficult because I know them - and emotionally I just want them there now. It becomes hard to see the history in people and see them struggle in the present... to feel it. Instead, He wants me to drop my ties, so to speak, and yearn for His will. That's a tough one. It feels like giving up, even when it's really about lifting up and giving to God. My hands are not His and I want the best... I want them in His hands. That was such a release on and in me. I can't even describe it.

The other thing I've really faced lately is an unwillingness to deal with where I'm at and with where I want to be. I've woken up at 6:30 almost every single day - to do some thinking that I didn't let get done. The past week I've also been kept up by the fact that I should be writing and processing and growing. God has really been chasing me down - having to sneak in to meet me, instead having free reign. I've not let myself spend time thinking on Him. I've been praying and reading His Word, but doing those things without thinking isn't doing those things at all, because it's not a determined giving to God. I had basically struggled myself into an unworthy mess of a person - simply because that's where I go without Him... a complete idiotic scheme that takes you further from God and into more pain and then into even more unworthiness. These are the cycles that the services spoke about. I think it was the day before that got me first though - see, on Saturday I remembered; I got down to the big question I always get to (the one that everyone has - however different it may be). Saturday I chose His truth. There is much of this year left. There is much of me left for it. There is hope. But most importantly there is God... always. I don't know how to end so many words (especially because I'm so not putting the time into editing); With Him and His plans I guess... that's something I always need and want to always want... it's the cycle that I was made for - that we were all made for - Him.

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Bombs away... soon.

This weekend we've had visiting Pastors John and Caroline Wilkinson at our Church. It was neat to see how God's plans just line up - this morning's service was about what we've been receiving and seeking. It was about the tombstones we put up in our lives - how we create monuments to pain and how that holds us back from the freedom God wants us to walk in. That's what's been hitting hard at Third Day for quite awhile - moving past that pain. It's also what Katie Souza teaches on - soul wounds and just pains. We've been taught to bring them to God and to soak them in His Light. In that way - we've been turning them over to God. That was what was so awesome about this morning - Pastor Wilkinson was talking about focusing on God landmarks instead of painful tombstones. Same approach - looking at God's work in our lives, instead of dwelling on the works (or pains) found in the world. Healing. I really liked his analogy - one about people being so willing to bring flowers to the tombstones in our lives - about dwelling in pain, instead of honoring His works and the times we've given to Him. It's such a choice - and it's so easy to stay in pain - to be trapped by it and get used to it. But for God. I love hearing people's testimonies - to hear about how them came to God and what He brought them out of - to see the change in them - the God gap between then and now. I love listening to people being themselves - being exactly who God has made them to be. I know that God's love and power is demonstrated in the words we tell of Him... they change everything. Telling the truth of God and sharing how the Bible has come alive in our hearts and in our lives is living our faith. Share pain, but share that you've moved past in through Him. Can you even describe how God glorious it is to share a landmark moment from a place where a tombstone used to be? Isn't that every salvation story ever? The pain of a life without Him rooted out and filled instead by His love encounter! Now we just have to be on guard and root out the weeds and tombstones that are revealed by the Holy Spirit in us. Proverbs 4:23. Root things out and protect what He puts in. Then what are we? Healed. Whole. I don't want to be walled away from Him... to have a hardened heart that won't repent or change. I want those landmark places of Him everywhere. They are an encouragement - they push for evergrowth - which is the Christian life we're called to live.

Tonight's service was great also. I had a vision during praise and worship. It was of a bomb inside of me - not a bad one, but a deposit of promises and just of God's works in me. Then it exploded. I can't really describe it - it wasn't violent, but it was full of fire and of ice. Light went everywhere and I fell to pieces - like in a fairytale - puzzle pieces everywhere. Then the light put the pieces back together. Almost instantaneously. It took like a millisecond for the whole thing to occur. Then, the put back together me looked down - there were so many pieces left - ones I didn't need and ones I wasn't supposed to have. It was like a restoration of promises and gifts - ones that I could move forward in - free from the trappings and snares that stopped me in the past. There were two words in the vision: activate and explode. Pastor Francis and Pastor Wilkinson mentioned them both within the 10 minute period following. I almost fell down... and was crying like a baby.

It felt so painful - I think because its timing wasn't now. The past two visions I've had are for a time that is coming and that's just not here... yet. I'm believing. I've been praying about it -making sure that I'm not holding back from God. I have a tendency to pause longer than I should, being just as disobedient as those who jump ahead of God's plans. I was distraught - I don't want to hold back that way. As we got further in the service though I was able to release that - felt it physically lifting off of me. I always forget that God knows me; He has often prepared me for the changes in my life. He knows I freeze up or shut down - but when He lets me know the little bits, I move in Him and for Him quicker. It means a big hit is coming. Soon. A necessary one - a season changing one. I'm excited and terrified. Equally. That now command from earlier and the bomb hit from tonight will happen and I'll know why... because it has to for the sake of change in Him. Growing in Him is tough - but knowing that I'm growing in Him helps... knowing that I'm going to be released into a future that He has created me for more than helps... knowing that He purposefully created me and knows me and still loves me saves me - daily. I'm just excited to be pushed further into who I'm meant to be in God.

The rest of the service was a push. They prayed for everybody in both of today's services - that's so much effort - - so much of a God push - one that I've so often seen in our own Pastors. Prayer time: Pushing for changes in ourselves by pulling on and giving to God. Pushing for others. Pushing for the Pastors and the leaders that are pushing for us. Pushing for the nation. Pushing for the lost. Working in God. Church. Th-th-that's it, folks ;)

Now

Service was cool tonight. We're in nightly services leading into Resurrection Sunday. On the way there I got a picture in my head, and in the middle of it God said 'Now.' - it was like a command I was waiting for. That was what the service was about. Now being the time. To step out and to step forth. I'm sure it hit everybody in the service in a different way - I'm so excited to see that played out. And to be done. Done. I usually avoid that word at all costs... but really what that needs to be changed are we to avoid? Nada. It's time to prove my natural self wrong and be absolutely done in for God. To stop fighting against Him and just let Him be - let Him be Who He really is in me. Glad learning is a lifelong process. Ready to move forth in God - letting go of those breaks I've been so desperately clinging to - time to mature. About time :P

Dross.

Well, hello my friends. Its been such a long long time... hahaha... song stuck in your head. I thought it was about time to write a post, especially after the somewhat dramatic nature of my last one. It's tough saying what you need to say sometimes, oftentimes really. I needed to acknowledge where I had been, am now, and where I'm to be going in Him (where I've failed to go in the past).

It's been a tough season - I think the more you let God strip away, the tighter you hold on to what you have left. Also, if you're like me - then you may try to either protect or torpedo what you care about - so that it doesn't also get lost... as if He somehow can't differentiate the good from the bad... silly... stupid really. Another form of the 'protecting oneself' battle I have.

I've been a sleepless one the past few nights - been getting sick from a combo of things - it hit me pretty hard last night. My throat swelled up enough so that I didn't really feel like I could breathe (I obviously could, I'm not that sick - I even have a voice right now). I had a choice in it. I could've panicked - almost did - but I stopped - recognized that it would make things so much worse. I focused on breathing instead. On relaxing my throat and at getting past my dreaded hatred of all things blood. A moment of calm and a moment of clarity. Then this morning I started applying that to my God walk.

I'm in a different kind of a season - one that I don't really want to be in - one that I needed to be in and one that I need to be able to get out of. I'm a sticker, you see; A 'just stick it out'-er. I stay longer than I need to and longer than I should merely because I can survive things. It's not that I should do so; It's that moving forward requires risk and I am no risk taker. I'm a rule follower and a worrier.

Am I so obedient to myself and my worries that I can live a disobedient life before God? How can I pretend that worrying will add to my life when He says in His Word that it will not? I know the time to step up is coming. I can feel its timing rolling in. Will I let worry and fear take that timing, His timing, away? Or will I dwell in these verses that have comforted me today?

Isaiah 1:24-26
"Therefore the Lord says, The Lord of hosts, the Mighty One of Israel, 'Ah, I will rid myself of My adversaries, And take vengeance on My enemies. I will turn My hand against you, And thoroughly purge away your dross, And take away all your alloy. I will restore your judges as at the first, And your counselors as at the beginning. Afterwards you shall be called the city of righteousness, the faithful city."

--> His hand against me. Not in that scary I'm going to die right now way that I first read it. In the way that turns a situation around. In the fact that God is ridding us of what He hates. He will 'thoroughly purge away our dross'. Our dross. The dross that we hold onto and the alloy that we could build more upon. Dross. Junk. The world in us. The love God is a love that surpasses our junk -

He created us and sees us as we were meant to be. He loves us enough to require change - to push us into our destiny. He loves us enough to hate what He cannot be. He can't be anything but good, so that is what He desires of us. That we would choose Him over what may seem easy. To choose Him over that which would trap us and destroy us - to choose Him over everything else. We can become trapped in so many different things and situations; We can also be trapped in the way that I've been struggling - trapped in our very selves.

Those traps are the dross that need to be pulled from us. Those situations are tied to us - they're part of us that shouldn't be part of us. They can't co-exist with God. That's why this section of Isaiah hit me hard today - because it says 'thoroughly' and not partially. I know that the places in me that have wounds such as these do not have God in them... they couldn't exist in the same space as Him. He would burn them away - He will burn them away. They're coming up to the surface - dross always does - I looked it up - I get that - the only questions in the matter is how quickly will I bring the dross to Him. How quickly will I choose life and wholeness? Will I willingly go through death of self? Isn't that what a Christian does - chooses to live for Him as He died for us? How quickly will I reach for Him? How often? I hope always and forever. That's a long time to learn and a long time to get better at it; Sufficient in going to God. Sufficient just means adequate and enough. Just - I wrote it and it's how we say it. We use words so wrong today. Sufficient isn't settling... it isn't about being a 'stick it out'er - its about being whole. That's what this blog is all about - being whole in Him. So, here's to saying goodbye to more bits and pieces and giving way to Him instead.

Streams

I've been struggling more than a bit lately. I've been losing my place, myself really. It hit the hardest last week. I'm losing control. That really really bothers me. I've been so easily frustrated at work. I hate that. Wednesday was the worst for me. God woke me up at 6:38. I was wide awake. Wider than I've woken up in a long time. Then He said 'sometimes the dehydration in your story worries Me'. It worries me too. It hit hard. Really hard. I got angry. I went to work angry. I almost quit I was so frustrated. I went to Church angry. I came home angry. I lashed out about stupid things. I failed. Innumerable times. But what He said was so true. I'll always come back to the truth, it's too important for me, for who I've become in Him. I was dry drowning. There's no other way to describe it. I've been there before. It's not a place to stay. My sister was right though - every word that God has ever given me, every picture I see in my non-visual head, has been about hope. I know that they all overlay each other. That everything is fractal-like even in the smallest parts. Streams in the desert. That's what my sister brought up. Looking at those verses brought up so much more than that verse. I've dwelt in the Bible. I've read those verses. I've heard them. I've picked out ones around them. I've written about different singular verses. I've never seen them altogether though. I've never pulled back enough in Isaiah 38 to see the whole - never fractally viewed it - even though that's really how we're to read the Bible. I like the alignment found there. I like the breadth of the Word. I like the hope. I like the promises.

Yesterday's services were emotionally packed - mostly because it was about the push to get past emotions - to get to a Holy Spirit led place. In praise and worship God gave me a picture. It was a Chessboard, but not at all a Chessboard. It was a strategic map of my life, but there were only two pieces on it. Then He said 'all of the other players are gone' - I knew the freedom in that. I will not be controlled by anything else, anyone else - it was a confirmation of what I've felt the past few days - the responsibilities of my choices is mine. That's what I was losing myself in, the weight of that truth. That's why I was removed from even myself. I wasn't worth that level of interaction. I wasn't worth Him. That's so often what I hear for myself, but never for others. I've so often pushed myself in faith for others - its really the only time I've been able to step forth. That it was down to me and Him terrified me, but now I know why. I always forget that He's already in me. He's even given me tools to change myself - the Holy Spirit and the Word. The Church and the people around me. Foundations. Influences. Roots. It's not me against the world. It's Him and me. But only if I let Him win. That's a daily thing. That's a 'same old story' for me - it's about going from stubborn to steadfast, but somehow it's less scary now. I am His alone now, and I can place my trust in Him. I can love Him freely, perhaps more freely than I could have imagined. There is such a security in that. It is only in Him that such different views can combine, in truth. In a truth that confuses the world - confuses the worldly parts left in ourselves. In His truth that clears out what is really confusion. With His clarity. With His honesty. With His love.

The entirety of Isaiah 35:

"The wilderness and the solitary place shall be glad for them;
and the desert shall rejoice, and blossom as the rose.
It shall blossom abundantly, and rejoice
even with joy and singing:
the glory of Lebanon shall be given unto it,
the excellency of Carmel and Sharon,
they shall see the glory of the Lord,
and the excellency of our God.
Strengthen ye the weak hands,
and confirm the feeble knees.
Say to them that are of a fearful heart,
Be strong, fear not:
behold, your God will come with vengeance,
even God with a recompence;
he will come and save you.
Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened,
and the ears of the deaf shall be unstopped.
Then shall the lame man leap as an hart,
and the tongue of the dumb sing:
for in the wilderness shall waters break out,
and streams in the desert.
And the parched ground shall become a pool,
and the thirsty land springs of water:
in the habitation of dragons, where each lay,
shall be grass with reeds and rushes.
And an highway shall be there, and a way,
and it shall be called The way of holiness;
the unclean shall not pass over it; but it shall be for those:
the wayfaring men, though fools, shall not err therein.
No lion shall be there,
nor any ravenous beast shall go up thereon,
it shall not be found there;
but the redeemed shall walk there:
And the ransomed of the Lord shall return,
and come to Zion with songs
and everlasting joy upon their heads:
they shall obtain joy and gladness,
and sorrow and sighing shall flee away."

This helped me too. In seeing my season clearly, and in wanting to be led into a new one in this manner

Psalms 25:4-5
"Show me the right path, O Lord; point out the road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you."

Instruments of...

Writing. I love writing. One of my biggest pet peeves happens to be horrible pens.... I hate them. Especially when you get them in a row - this one doesn't work... try another... no go. I hit my limit at 4 in a row just the other day. Today I went on a pen hunt. The classic old fashioned all blue Papermate is my go to favourite. I got them... but I also decided to venture into the unknown... I saw the Sharpie brand... I love Sharpie's... then I saw the magnificent new Sharpie blue pen! It writes perfectly! It doesn't go through the paper! It doesn't smudge easily (which is good because I'm such a messy writer... I get pen everywhere)! It's the best colour ever! I like. Actually I love, so while this post may seem a little crazy - I write it because a blog's about writing too... and sometimes writing in the actual world wins... today this new pen assured that. It comes in 10 colours... I want them all... well... maybe I don't... maybe I just want to stay in the blue zone... classically awesome...

This one is quite obviously black... but the blue one looks the same excepting a tiny blue loop.

I <3 http://pen.sharpie.com/

October Baby - In Theaters March 23

October Baby - In Theaters March 23

Want to see this so much!!!