Ottawa gave me writing withdrawal pains, so prepare yourself for many posts. I have a tendency to store up my words. I keep them and then unleash them on the world. It's why I'm both a non-talker and a non-stop talker. Either way, here I go.
I mentioned before that I felt small this week. It was hard. I started thinking about Robert Munsh's 'The Boy in the Drawer'. I don't like all Munsch books ('I'll Love You Forever' gave me nightmares - install an alarm system grown-up child), but I still love the ones I grew up on. I loved 'The Boy in the Drawer'. It's about a boy who grew when he was insulted and shrunk when dealt with in kindness, with love. Let me tell you something, feeling small brings on big emotions. Then the problems start. I took some time to think about those the big emotions associated with feeling small. I started thinking Munsch-ly. I started thinking about the sides of stories. I started thinking about truth.
In the beginning, the main character is frustrated with the boy and, in trying to get rid of him, manages to grow him bigger. We do that with mistakes and situations and even with people. We're working on our own is why it happens. Not so good. Knowing that it's not so good though, that's a good lesson. Still, I learned more for the other side, from the shrinking. And since I struggled with feeling small, I'll share from his side. The boy had a hard time of it. I think if we're really honest, we have a tendency to live like he does. He shrinks when he's vulnerable. He retreats. He retreated himself right out of existence. I feel like that's possible for us. We can hide all that we are. I don't want that.
I protect myself. Always have. Always hid. Lied to hide. Lived for it. In it. In pain. It wasn't my job though, it's something I took on thinking of myself. I have an advocate in Jesus. I'm loved, protected, and cherished by God. I'm pushed to grow in Him. 'I'll Love you Forever' creeps me out because it represents a big, all-consuming parental love. I'm not a parent, but I am a daughter, so hold on please. I just feel like there's something off in the kind of love described. I get wanting to give your children everything, but if you don't know God, then filling them with everything you have leaves you empty. Then, it leaves you alone, as they start to do the exact same thing with their own children. God refreshes, replenishes, and refills. It would be hard to let children grow and mature without that breath of God, without that steadying and strengthening touch. I think the book is about holding on too tightly. That's not how He loves. He gives us the freedom to choose Him, to make mistakes, and even to walk away from Him. He expects a lot, but He doesn't control us. He lets us seek out His presence willingly. I love that.
These Munsch ramblings are just that, ramblings. I set forth in them to recognize where I'm at in things. We all face good times and bad times, but we choose whether or not we'll grow. We choose our attitudes and our actions every single day. I choose to let Him push me to grow through both the good and the bad. That changes everything because it changes us so completely. We put Him in the centre and He takes the core of us and starts the lifelong process that is His work in us. I need to constantly remind myself to work with Him. I need to always let Him in. Even when I screw up, especially when I screw up. Otherwise, how would He fix me. He lets us choose. He'll stand back as long as he has to, then He'll rush to us the moment we let Him. I learn lessons over and over again. Stubbornly. One of them is that I can't make things perfect. I can't fix anything without Him. He needs to be in everything. It's the only way I can truly exist. Funny sounding, but oh so true to me.
Psalm 139:23-24
"Search me, O God, and know my heart: Try me, and know my thoughts; And see if there be any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting."
--> I've been dwelling on those words the past couple of days. I know it's a time of narrowing. We can't fit through His path while we're trying to hold on to the world. We can't fit when we carry things, our burdens, with us. We can only fit when we let Him lead, or rather, when we choose to follow; When we choose to take our hands off of things and let His order reign. God's ways are ordered; Loving, perfect, complete, and whole. Why do we constantly choose chaos? Why would we rather live in the despair of separation from Him, than in His comfort? The worldly me is not worth that, I have nothing of worth, of Him, in that pain. I find everything worth anything in Him. My life is in His hands. My joy is in Him. My past pointed the way to Him. My present life is with Him. My future will be found in living for Him.
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