May: Hidden Target Acquired

May 1st, 2011 11:26 AM

New month! I can't believe it's already May! Time goes so slow and so fast all at once. Conundrum - I should have warned ahead of time. I've been trying to live only in the present for the past week and it's just not working for me. To live only in the present is to live a surface life and I've never been good at that. I was raised to be a surface person, but my training never took and it's not something I'll ever be able to do. I knew that at the beginning of the week, but thought I could probably live with the appearance of it. Wrong. I didn't even need situations to show me the pain of that choice. It was made from pain and that never works. I need firm foundations in God in my life and He has definitely been telling me to appear as nothing but myself. I've probably got some 'splaining to do. I feel like since I moved here, well since I've been baptized, that God's been telling me to use my voice. Its a difficult choice to make, but I've been setting aside my lying tendencies and have answered things and situations honestly. I am a hider though, which is how my pain and frustration entered into this weeks equation. I have been more open about my hiding tendencies here. While only 2 people know the full out reason, many know my surface issues. Still, I feel like its something I've been pretty open about. As such, lots of people call me out on it. They need to. My frustration came out of the fact that all people hide, even in small ways. I haven't had real conversations with anyone yet and that's hard because while I can be a talker, I love being a listener. Everyone is in this time of growth and of pain right now, but I don't need people to be happy and entertaining all of the time; It'd be great and I'd be happy for them, but I really just need people to be honest. I love these people and I'm for them. I'm being pushed here and I know that's great but I want to be a part of it. I want a place here. I desperately want to help. So I broke, I got called out on hiding and I got angry. My frustrations turned ugly and I wanted to hide in a new way. I wanted to give up. To stop being honest. Truth be told though, I haven't let myself be known and no one knows I do care. I expect everything for nothing. How is that fair? I need an attitude adjustment. I just don't know how to be here. I'm tried of people not answering, avoiding or even lying about the questions I ask. I don't want to ask them anymore. I don't want to look as deeply as I do. I don't want someone to say they're 'so good' when they're about to break. I just don't. Right now, I feel like an obligation and I hate that. I can drop questioning, but I can't change how I see and I'm not in a position to help change how someone is. I'll just have to work on my emotional responses. I have to come to terms with the fact that I walked into a community. They already work together. I just regret my timing. I need to put that down and find out why I'm here now. God's reason why.

Galatians 6:2
"Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ."

Galatians 6:10
"So then, as we have opportunity, let us work that which is good toward all men, and especially toward them that are of the household of the faith."

--> I can do this. People are dealing with a lot, but I don't have to carry them in all things. Instead, I can be a light person - one who can try to make them smile or laugh or something. I can be how I am in my head and just make 'em laugh (I love 'Singin' in the Rain')

Psalms 51:6
"Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts; And in the hidden part thou wilt make me to know wisdom."

Deuteronomy 30:10
"if thou shalt obey the voice of Jehovah thy God, to keep his commandments and his statutes which are written in this book of the law; if thou turn unto Jehovah thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul."

--> I know I'm getting closer to God. I also know I'm supposed to be here. I need to change - to obey. To follow God's timing in all things, especially when I don't want to because my instinctive desires are of the natural - something I want to move past.

Psalms 100:3
"Know ye that Jehovah, he is God: It is he that hath made us, and we are his; We are his people, and the sheep of his pasture."

3 John 1:3
"For I rejoiced greatly, when brethren came and bare witness unto thy truth, even as thou walkest in truth. Greater joy have I none than this, to hear of my children walking in the truth."

--> Pastor talked about this on Sunday. About being weak to show God's greatness. It all comes down to truth.

2 Corinthians 12:9
"And he hath said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my power is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."