The parental units are for surely moving! House sold and they're moving into a condo. To be brutally honest I've always hated the house, but still it's weird. I think my problem is that it feels like I have no fall back plan. Obviously I'm still quite uncomfortable here and I just had Ottawa as a safety place in my head - like going back couldn't be called running because I've already been there for most of my life - that I could call it the great return or something. In reality, I've known that I can't go back since almost the moment I got here, but still some strings are just hard to break. Even my family doesn't want me back (not in a bad way) - they want me in a position where I'll grow ... as long as that takes form in a stable and well-paying full-time job soon. I need that too. Pastor preached awhile ago about God having to physically cut His people's past away because they would always try to return to them - like when He closed the red sea behind them - that it wasn't just to stop those chasing them but because He knew our weaknesses. Sure enough they wanted to go back. With every difference, challenge or situation they faced they told themselves that things had and would be better in Egypt. They constantly wanted to go back. I have to stop. I have to stop trying to go back to the friendships and physical places of my past - especially in my head - where rose-colored glasses threaten to reign more than anywhere else. I said this year would be about moving constantly forward towards the things of God. I can't afford to look back, or drag myself to a full stop, I want to be in the place God wants me to be. No more catching up. The past is finished, done, closed for business. As the red sea blocks the path back to Egypt, so too have barriers been raised to keep me from going back to Ottawa. Back. Backwards. Backsliding. I may be trying to run to God, but it's a mighty big difference then the running from His truth as I backslide kind of running. If we run for and to Him - He builds a firm foundation ahead of us - knowing exactly when and where we'll be. If we run away from Him, He lets us. He knows when and where we'll be, but we've always had the choice to live alone, to live away from Him, so He feels that pain and He has to keep Himself away - for us. Imagine doing that when a loved one spirals - doing nothing - hard isn't it, almost impossible, but when you've given them every opportunity - stepped in and saved them innumerable times - it just comes to a point where it's their choice - live or die - they need to grow. It's still hard to imagine letting go completely - even when it's necessary - how much harder for an all powerful and all loving God. One who loves us so much we can't even fully feel or comprehend it. I feel firm in God. I just need to let myself feel firm in the present and in the future. To hear the rushing waters of the closing red sea of my past roar in my ears. That the sound would wash away what needs to be washed away. A past intact, but free from strings, drawings, or power - one that can be told only to give glory to Him that's always been with me. But for God I know where I'd be, who I'd be - where and who I never want to be again. But FOR God, I'm still a work in progress - but I'm committed in working towards Him in all things. The difference in the lives I could have led is simple - It's His love - it's the distance between the east and the west. It's something I can't live without; that I steadfastly won't live without. I need Him. More than anything else, that I may always know my desperate need for Him and that it be shown in my heart and in my life. In all that I can give to Him. God is great.
Galatians 6:17
"Henceforth, let no man trouble me; for I bear branded on my body the marks of Jesus."
Deuteronomy 11:8
"Therefore shall ye keep all the commandment which I command thee this day, that ye may be strong, and go in and possess the land, whither ye go over to possess it"
--> I will go forth here. Where He's placed me.
Psalms 66:12
"Thou didst cause men to ride over our heads; We went through fire and through water; But thou broughtest us out into a wealthy place."
Psalms 91:2
"I will say of Jehovah, He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in whom I trust."
Psalms 94:17
"Unless Jehovah had been my help, My soul had soon dwelt in silence."
Hebrews 10:39
"But we are not of them that shrink back unto perdition; but of them that have faith unto the saving of the soul."
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