My Heart. Leap of Faith: Reflections. 24 me vs 13 me (winner: God)

Alrighty then. So, I've mentioned before that I was brought to the saving knowledge of Christ in a slow way. Well, today I started cleaning out some of the physical junk I carried with me in my move from Ottawa. I found something. In Grade 8 we had to write an essay about meeting Jesus. I read mine and cried like a baby. I was walking towards salvation and I stopped myself. I was stubborn and scared and I felt alone. I've decided to share what I wrote, because even though its my wide open and vulnerable heart, and even though sharing it makes me want to throw up, there's something in it. It's important. It makes me remember how scary salvation looks from the other side. Looking back at my Christian walk I can say that I love that moment, that surrender to God, but I remember the fear and the uncertainty that came in making the choice. Right now, I'm remembering even before that - I'm remembering what it's like to first recognize truth and the terrifying idea of putting everything we have known aside to know God instead. I want to remember that feeling, because I want to remember what happens when people give their hearts to the Lord. It's big. It's intimidating. But the biggest thing you could ever face in giving yourself to God is love. He is love. I didn't understand His love when I was 13. It took until I was 17. If I had been open in my beliefs, if I hadn't been so scared to be vulnerable, I would have come to the saving knowledge of Christ earlier. But, I made choices and my life is God's now. I waited but no one else has to. If I knew what I now know about God, I would have leapt to be with Him. That's not how life works though. I know that even in this small essay, there was a foundation for God being built in my life. You don't seek something without wanting to find it. Seek God. And if you don't know Him then make that leap. What's on the other side is love. What's on the other side is everything worth anything.

Matthew 6:33
"But seek ye first His kingdom, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."

John 3:16
"For God so loved the world, that He gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

----
Please remember that I was little... and that this is unchanged... and that I totally got a bad mark on it...
----

Fictional / Totally Personal Essay

     A few years ago, my family took a summer trip to Florida. It was quite a long car ride, and we had to stop a lot for gas and meals. We once stopped at a tiny, little restaurant just outside of a small town. It was a place I knew I would never forget. It would be our last stop for at least four hours. As my family headed inside, I turned and ran back to the car to retrieve my wallet. I had decided to buy an ice cream cone after lunch. After I closed the door, stood up, and turned around, I found myself facing a tall, thirty-something year old man. He was wearing dirty, ripped, and ragged old clothes. I was very scared, unless I went downtown it was rare that I would come across any beggars or pan handlers. This man didn't ask for money though. He must have sensed or read my thoughts because the next thing He said was, "Don't be afraid. I will not harm you or ask you for money; I will just talk." I was still scared but His warm eyes wouldn't let me turn away. He followed me into the restaurant. My family was more than a little surprised when He sat down with us. In fact, they looked the same way I did a few minutes ago. He quickly warmed them up and said the same things to them that He had said to me. He got them to relax a little. He told us stories that made us all stop and think. We listened with interest as He quoted the Bible and told us parables. He knew so much about the Bible that you would think that He'd written it Himself. He seemed to know everything we were thinking. He, amazingly, answered all of our questions before we had even asked them. He also had a way of wording things to make Himself easy to understand and to listen to. He talked easily and His words seemed to roll out of His mouth; Everything He said was filled with such wisdom that I thought I would never forget any of it.

     My parents stood up to go and pay the bill. A while later my sister went to get another ice cream cone. While everyone else was gone, I began to slowly feel uncomfortable around Him again. He still hadn't told us His name. He said that, "A name isn't as important as a personality". He then said, "Tell me your problems and your worries, so that I can help you". I guess I told Him all of my problems, one at a time. I was surprised that my family was away long enough for me to tell Him everything.

     The first thing I brought up was the peer pressure that happens to the teens around us. The things that go on surprise me. Drinking, smoking, drugs, and even sex are moving down to our age group. Although I'm not friends with these people and I don't even know all of their names, I still care a lot about their safety. I don't like the way that they are hurting themselves. I explained to Him about everything that happens in schools all over the world. That is why I'm I am so fortunate to have friends who have talked about doing all that stuff. We all decided if faced with a decision like that, we would all say no. Even though I trust my friends a lot I try to always look out for them. I guess I am very over protective of them. Falling with your eyes closed can be dangerous and I like to help keep my friends eyes completely open.

     The teasing people go through because they are shy, smart, dumb, nervous, or just because they speak differently, act differently, or are their own person is not fair to them. People tease other people to feel control over them or to feel better about themselves. I guess they don't realize that sticking up for people makes you feel even better about yourself. I guess you have to get teased yourself to find that lesson out. A few years ago I was a very insecure person. I was very shy and would hardly even talk while surrounded by my peers. I got teased a lot and I will always remember the awful feeling it gave me. I used to go home and put a smile on my face so my family wouldn't guess what I was going through. Almost every night, I would cry myself to sleep. I got through most of my fears and shyness before coming to St Matthew High School. So far I haven't been really teased unless it was the friendly kind. I told Him that I thought about teasing a lot in seventh grade, and I remembered how bad it made me feel. I told Him how I teased people and how sorry I was about what I had done. I also said sorry to the people I had teased when we came back after summer. I confessed everything I had ever done to Him. It was my most thoughtful day that had happened in my life and I know it always will be. I hope to remember the lessons He taught me my whole life and even after that as well.

     One of the million things I talked to Him about that day was how hard it was to make good friends. When I was a shy and insecure person, I had no friends at all. I played by myself and learnt to trust myself. I was pretty happy at home, the only bad thing in my life was school. I explained to Him about when I used to fake a sickness to stay home. I was scared to go to school because I might have had to read out loud. I was more insecure about reading then anything else. I used to think everyone was staring at me so I read with a stutter because I was always nervous. I also read really fast and used to shake. I told Him how I still do sometimes. I like to offer friendships to a lot of different types of people. If they accept, great. If they don't, it's fine. You never know who your real friends are until they stick by you when you are having a real rough time. I said to Him, "I belong to a group of friends who hardly know me", and it's true. I have a few friends who really know me, but that's it. When I first came to St. Matt's, I was very worried. I told Him that I was worried because all of my friends were going into french immersion and I would be in extended. At the beginning of seventh grade I was very quiet. I soon acted like my real self, but was still worried about things because I wasn't totally accepted. I felt the exact same way at the beginning of eighth grade. In place of not knowing who my friends are in the group, I have become closer to lots of very nice, and very cool people.

     On that day, I told Him more than I thought I ever could. I talked to Him about my feelings about everything. To all this He said, "I cannot solve your problems. I can help you, stand by you, and be with you. I am of the Father and I will always listen to you". He stood up and left. I had just realized who He was, as the words He had left me with sank in. When my family finally came back I told them everything that had happened, and about my new found faith.

     Today, I know that God is always with me and that I can always tell Him my problems. I know that He will always listen. I don't go to Church and although I pray in religion class and before I go to bed, that never seemed like I was close enough to God. About a month ago, I started reading the Bible and although I started in the New Testament and am only in Matthew 23, I already feel closer to Him.

     All in all, this essay means more to me than I could say or write. I thought it would be much harder then term ones essay, but I was wrong. As soon as I found out how to encounter Jesus, I couldn't stop writing. In conclusion, writing this essay taught me a lot and I will keep it forever in hope that I will remember it when I grow up. The End.